Usenet is
Subject: Re: (Q) What can be done about an unreasonable moderator?
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Date: 1996/08/22
Message-Id:
Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself)
References: <4sc63l$kt3@news2.halcyon.com> <4tomiu$djm@listserv.rice.edu> <4totf3$ivt@web.nmti.com> <4tp2n5$hgt@listserv.rice.edu> <4tqsbm$1lm@web.nmti.com> <4up2c4$p8i@kachina.jetcafe.org> <4vban8$6eh@grivel.une.edu.au>
Followup-To: alt.sex.fetish.feet,alt.religion.kibology,alt.slack,misc.test,alt.dev.null
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In article <4vban8$6eh@grivel.une.edu.au>, dbromage@metz.une.edu.au (David
Bromage) wrote:
>Jim Griffith (griffith@netcom.com) wrote:
>>dave@kachina.jetcafe.org (Dave Hayes) writes:
>>
>>>peter@nmti.com (Peter da Silva) writes:
>>>> Then *do* it. Usenet is like the Klingon High Council.
>>
>>>See? I told you there was a Cabal out there.
>>
>>Nononono. See, in actuality, USENET is like the KHC.
>
>I always used the analogy that Usenet was a loose confederation of warring
>tribes.
Usenet is a little bird sitting in a tree.
Usenet is a bunch of pretty flowers that smell BAD.
Usenet is a green golfball that someone's cut open to see if
they're really filled with horrible acid. It wasn't.
Usenet is William Shatner and Ross Perot trading places after
being hit by lightning.
Usenet is like a tar pit except it's filled with Hershey's syrup.
Usenet has red hair at the sides and none on top. Usenet wears
big shoes. Usenet honks at people.
Usenet is sans-serif but oblique.
Usenet's secret ingredient is the fact that it doesn't have a
secret ingredient. Usenet contains no Spam. Usenet is an ingredient
*of* Spam.
Usenet comes in economy packs... at fifty bucks each.
Usenet is void where prohibited.
Usenet is an orgy in jail.
Usenet is a handful of Goldfish crackers with eyes.
Usenet is Frosty the Snowman comitting suicide with a
flamethrower.
Usenet is a fish living in a glass house.
Usenet is the exploding window in the "Twilight Zone" title
sequence. Usenet is a dimension of sight, of sound, of smell.
Usenet asks no questions, but gets many answers; Usenet is the
biggest pencil in the world. Usenet is a sword whose blade is in
Schenectady and whose handle is everywhere.
Usenet is named Fred, or Dylan, or Janice, or Spot. Usenet is
sterile. Usenet takes pills.
Usenet moves at the speed of dark.
USENET IS NEVER CRYPTIC.
Usenet is a warm puppy.
Usenet is a microwave hair dryer.
Usenet is the puff of air that escapes as you seal Tupperware.
Usenet is the hub of an immobile universe.
Uesnet is misspelled.
Usenet is the difference between pea soup and peanut butter.
Usenet is a billion dollars in pennies.
Usenet is Eeyore's birthday present.
Usenet is carbonated tar.
Usenet is a computer having sex with a statue.
Usenet is a mile long, a meter wide, and an hour thick.
If Usenet were a color, it would be orange, or tangerine.
Usenet has feet without toes.
Usenet is a man buying another man's bug collection to give to
his wife and then she sees the bugs and has a heart attack and dies and
the funeral director turns out to be the second man.
Usenet is the reason tapioca pudding is always vanilla,
never chocolate. Usenet is the reason you can't make toast in a
microwave. Usenet is what makes meatballs bounce.
Usenet is a Mobius strand of spaghetti.
Usenet is newer than the Old Testament but older than the
New Testament.
Usenet may have already won ten million dollars.
Usenet is Optima Semibold with slab serifs.
Usenet is always contradictory. Usenet is never contradictory.
Usenet is Danny Thomas's last spit-take.
Usenet sells its body.
Usenet is not a doughnut. Usenet is not a bagel. Usenet is an
inner tube.
Usenet turns urine into wine and vice versa.
Usenet is the PBS of computer networks. All streets on Usenet
are named "Sesame". Usenet is Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.
Usenet can punctuate all by itself.
Usenet wants your money to buy a heart.
Usenet is half a pair of pants.
Usenet is made of latex. Usenet is inflatable.
Usenet has fallen... and can't get up!
Usenet is the official bait bucket of Crappiethon '91. Usenet is
the official beer mug of Cheers.
Usenet is the seventh color of M&M.
Usenet has a soft, creamy center.
Usenet has a shelf-life of six hours. Usenet has a half-life of a
billion years.
Usenet is a powerful force... IN BED.
Usenet cures jock itch in laboratory rats.
Usenet is written on old jars of mustard to keep them fresh.
Usenet is "Usenet is".
Usenet is an anagram of Sneetu.
Usenet changes its underwear every fifteen minutes. Usenet wears
it on the outside so we can check.
Usenet is a hairy light bulb.
It takes twenty Usenets to change a light bulb.
Usenet is a rubber fork. Usenet is a wax toaster. Usenet is a
paper safe.
Usenet can punch its way out of paper bags.
Usenet is the sequel to "Return of the Jedi".
Usenet is a puppy trained to ignore slippers.
Usenet has fresh, minty breath... but never exhales.
Usenet is the embodiment of Zen. Usenet is the embodiment of
motorcycle maintenence.
Usenet drives your car while you're sleeping.
Usenet is the white digit on your car's odometer.
Usenet is Prince William's favorite toy.
Usenet is two-ply.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Usenet.
INSIST ON GENUINE USENET--BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.
LOOK FOR THE USENET LABEL.
Usenet is a fish swimming through sand. Usenet is
pronounced "ghoti".
Usenet is a vowel.
Usenet was colorized by Ted Turner.
Usenet sits on the back burner of your stove.
Usenet is not a typewriter.
Usnet is the feeling you get when you lose the TV Guide.
Usenet is where socks go when they vanish in the dryer.
Usenet cancelled "Twin Peaks".
Usenet was predicted by Nostradamus.
Usenet has a total I.Q. of one million--if you count the guy
wearing green socks.
If you pat Usenet, it will burp. If you tease Usenet, it will bite.
Usenet is an emperor wearing clothes, in a nudist colony.
Usenet is Fahrvergnuegen.
Usenet does not exist, because there is no "U" in "E=mc^2".
Usenet is a sunrise above a cave. Usenet is a siesta in a grave.
Usenet will not eat them on a train, Usenet will not eat them on a plane--
"I do not like green eggs and ham," said Usenet I Am.
Usenet has already warped your children. Usenet is genetic.
Usenet is a new color of paper towels: solid black.
Usenet put the "bop" in the "bop bop ba bop shee wop doo wah".
Usenet smokes a pipe and smiles.
Usenet is like "The Simpsons" only it's two-dimensional.
Usenet cannot be Xeroxed. Usenet cannot be photographed.
Usenet is a sane man in Pee-wee's Playhouse.
Usenet is a black-light poster of Spiro Agnew.
Usenet is a potted power plant. Usenet actually always
alliterates accidentally. Usenet eats every ecookie ever ebaked.
Usenet is a sign that says "!PU DNE SIHT". Usenet is full of siht.
Usenet is a shaved dalmation.
Usenet is equal to the sum of apples and oranges.
Usenet is where the beef is.
USENET: IT'S NOT ONLY A COMMUNICATIONS MEDIUM, IT'S ALSO A CLIENT.
Usenet is mindful drivel.
Usenet is a product registration card that you mail to God.
Usenet ignores threats of physical violence.
Usenet is where the white dot goes when you turn off the TV.
Usenet is at the West Pole--with the Easter Bunny.
Usenet is no ordinary bozo!
Usenet is a philosophy that only dogs can hear.
Usenet is the reason everything should be made of plastic.
Usenet is a birthday cake running over a steamroller.
Usenet is why rolls come eight to a pack but condoms come in dozens.
Usenet is sunglasses for your brain.
Usenet is what you call goose bumps when a goose gets them.
Usenet is a table with two legs.
Usenet is scratch'n'sniff.
Usenet is a blind potato.
Usenet is the reason prices end in "9". Usenet makes that
$9999.99 car look a thousand dollars cheaper.
Usenet fits in your pants pocket. Usenet cannot be removed from
your pants pocket. Usenet is a tattoo.
Usenet is eyeballs for chewing gum.
Usenet is to television as sweat is to urine.
Usenet is a skeleton's skeleton.
Usenet is the antidote for information.
Usenet is bigger than the universe but full of holes.
Usenet is better for you than sugar.
Usenet is what Lincoln is staring at on the penny.
Usenet is where you keep the acid that can dissolve through anything.
Usenet is a rectangular ameba.
Usenet goes "bump" late at night.
Usenet makes hours seem like miles. Usenet makes time turn corners.
Usenet is Mr. Potato Head's plastic surgeon.
Usenet is a wacky neighbor on the ultimate sitcom.
Usenet is why Madonna has a phony mole on her cheek.
Usenet is better than sex.
Usenet lies.
-- K.
(I thunk up all those in a five-minute
period about twenny years ago when you
guys were still using radio.)
MA, PAW DONE WROTE UP A COOKIE FILE AGAYN!
Subject: Callbacks Of Science (was: Showing off in St. Antonio's beach)
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Date: 1996/06/02
Message-Id:
Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself)
References: <4o137h$lnv@vol.net> <4ob457$2bf@uuneo>
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
X-Kibo-Machine: Atari 2600jr with Game*Line and 110 baud acoustic coupler
Organization: Kibo's DEC Gamma 350
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
In article ,
mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matthew J. McIrvin) wrote:
>In article <4ob457$2bf@uuneo>, froggy@praline.no.NeoSoft.com (Carlos May)
wrote:
>
>> And a tattoo of Hello Kitty on her butt!
>
>But then she started to *twirl her hair*, and I had to toss her into the
>Wonkamatic Plutonium Taffy Rack!
>
>(Callbacks have NO statute of limitations!!)
KIBO: But Dr. McIrvin, tell me, how does a callback work?
MATT: Let's go over to my lab bench and I'll SHOW you!
(THEY GO TO A DINING-ROOM TABLE WHICH HAS A RACK HOLDING VARIOUS
ERLENMEYER AND FLORENCE FLASKS, EACH OF WHICH IS FILLED WITH A DIFFERENT
COLOR OF WATER. TUBES CONNECT EVERY FLASK TO EVERY OTHER. AN OSCILLOSCOPE
IS DISPLAYING THE MOST TRIVIAL VARIANT OF A LISSAJOUS FIGURE.)
KIBO: Jeepers! Is all this stuff needed to do science?
MATT: Actually, I'm just using all this expensive laboratory glassware to
make coffee, which humanizes me and makes me not stereotypical. Also it
serves a valuable purpose because I cannot have coffee at home because I
cannot remember where I live. Now, press this.
(KIBO PRESSES THE BIG RED BUTTON. IT GIVES HIM A SHOCK.)
KIBO: Ow! That burned off part of my fingernail!
MATT: Heh-heh-heh. You see, science is not a toy!
KIBO: Gosh. Maybe I should keep my hands in my pockets from now on.
MATT: That's a good idea, Kibo. But that means you will have to keep your
hands in your pockets FOREVER. And do you know how long FOREVER is,
according to the latest scientific discoveries?
KIBO: Isn't it a way of saying--
MATT: Wrong, Kibo. The scientific use of the term "forever" is for the
color between indigo and violet--the color which has a frequency exactly
seventy-two microns tall, or it would be if you were small enough to see
it!
KIBO: Oh. But what do callbacks have to do with some stupid color nobody likes?
MATT: Heh-heh-heh. Kibo, someday, when you grow up, maybe you, too, will
become a scientist. And then maybe you'll have your own secret laboratory,
like me. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, you'll be the first scientist to discover
WHY CALLBACKS WORK!
(THE TWO OF THEM SING THE THEME SONG TO "RHODA" AS THE CURTAIN FALLS.)
-- K.
P.S. I GET PAID TO DO THIS.
Return to my home page.